The following comes from a journal entry I wrote last week. I'm excited and ready for this step God's placed in front of me. But I wanted to share this snapshot of reality to encourage, inform, or however God wants to use it.
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It's a silly thing, but can be like a mountain.
I'd known I was afraid for this next step, but could figure out why. A conversation with a good friend this weekend helped me figure it out, by reiterating what others have said before, but this was the time I would HEAR it.
-->Going on staff is a big deal...it is a change and commitment greater than a 5-month school.
And me, I love stability. But I yearn for novelty and die a little inside without it. What I'm going to could be both, but I don't know. And I have to trust. Trust that God has shown me this is where I need to grow and give next. Obey.
Have faith. Because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't 'find my heart' here; scared to leave my friends and family; scared I won't be to them what they need; scared to love and be loved by new friends, and grow in true community; scared I won't do all God will call me to.
So there it is. I am human. You knew it, I knew it, but I couldn't put my finger on it. And boy am I glad God uses broken things. I'm glad He honors a broken spirit and contrite heart (Ps 34:18; Ps 51:17). I'm glad He knows the plans He has for me (Jer 29:11). And I'm glad He loves me with an everlasting love, I'm still learning to let that be "enough" and not worry about how my heart will be fulfilled.
